before the walk
also before the walk-- some hammock time!
Two weekends ago I served on an Emmaus team as Assistant Spiritual Director. It wasn't my first time in that role, but it has been a couple of years since I was on a team. I've been doing quite a bit of reflecting around my Emmaus experience, what it has meant to me, what it has offered me, etc. since I have been on this team and was on the walk.
The Emmaus community has offered me a space of grace and love ever since I went on my walk (#25) in 1998. Beth Peacock was the Lay Director and Al Bowles was the Spiritual Director. I met people in conversations that knew my Aunt Jane in Dalton (who died at the early age of 33). There had been obstacles to me getting to be able to go on that walk, but in the end, all things worked out. My sponsor was going to trek with me if I truly had to "walk" to the Emmaus walk. That is a story in itself. God filled me to glowing and over-flowing, refreshing me as I was (and still am) a giver. I was a professor at a Christian college at the time I went through the walk. Probably the biggest thing on that walk was that I felt the nudge to let go of someone in my life. I truly didn't understand it at the time. It didn't make sense to me. But it was preparation for me, as after the walk things began to unfold. This isn't the place for that full story here. What is important is that the space of grace and love on the Emmaus walk offered me a space to listen and hear God speaking. The time apart allowed me to experience the love of God in community in a way that is unique to what we normally experience, though we are called to that kind of kingdom living-- agape acts of kindness, grace, etc.
The first team I was asked to work on was for fall 2000 as an Assistant Table Leader. Marian Brown was the Lay Director. I was so excited to be on a team. I took myself off that team when I found out I was pregnant. I knew I couldn't serve on an Emmaus team as a pregnant single person. I didn't tell anyone why I took myself off the team. I also wrote a letter to my teaching institution, resigning for personal reasons at the end of the semester. I went up to "Send Off" for that Walk to be a part of the community. Some of my friends on the team and in the community asked me why I wasn't on the team. I told them it was because I was pregnant. I feared rejection and condemnation. What I received was love and grace. The Emmaus community did it again.
The first team I got to work was #34, in 2001. Marcia Swearingen was Lay Director. Linda Hessell was Spiritual Director and Cliff Herd was Assistant Spiritual Director. I served as Assistant Table Leader.
From there, my involvement looks this this:
2003--Chrysalis #25. Lay Director: Giddy-Up (Linda Wiemer). Spiritual Director: Michael Morton. I served as a CHA. I also gave a talk, "Prodigal". Though unusual for someone in that position to do so, it seems God was working at that time for God's purposes.
2004--Chrysalis #?. I served as a Table Leader at the table of "Yeehaw"
2005--Crossroads #7. Lay Directors: Tobie Sehon, Kevin Trobough. Spiritual Director: Cliff Herd. Assistant Spiritual Directors: Valorie Brown, Tim Smith. I served as Table Leader "R.A.I.N." "Prodigal" talk?
2006--Crossroads #8. Lay Directors: Marcia Swearingen, Scott Henze. Spiritual Director: Tim Smith. Assistant Spiritual Director: Adam Clegg. I served as Head CHA.
2007-- Crossroads #9. Lay Director: Sarah Norris. Spiritual Director: Ed Snow. Assistant Spiritual Director: Valorie Brown. I gave the "Prodigal" talk ?
2008-- Women's Walk #49-- Lay Director: Jean Davis. Spiritual Directors: Mark Davis, Jim Boyd. I was an Assistant Table Leader. That walk I was given the name "Monique". :) I found a note I had written in my purple book from that walk from one of the worship times. On it I had written something I felt impressed upon my heart and mind. It didn't make sense to me then, but it was real. Much like the situation in 1998. It was simply a name. As I reflect upon this now, I am in awe of a Creator who loves us so much to prepare us for things. Creator God prepared me to start letting go, even though I didn't understand at the time. I am learning that I don't need to understand. I can trust.
2012--Women's Walk #57. Lay Director: Anne Wheeler. Spiritual Director: Ben Matherly. Assistant Spiritual Director: Kent. I served as Table Leader and gave "Change Our World" talk.
2013--Women's Walk #59. Lay Director: Kathryn Geddie. Spiritual Director: Carolyn Braddy. Assistant Spiritual Director: Cheryl Clark. I served as one of the Assistant Lay Directors and gave "Grow Through Study" talk.
2014--Chrysalis #44. Lay Director: Shawn Dunn (King). Spiritual Directors: Amy Nutt, David Graves. I was in the Prayer Chapel with Diana Kidwell.
I gave "Obstacles to Grace" talk for a walk. ??? (which walk?)
2015--Women's Walk #26 Still Waters Community. Lay Director: Kelly Bell. Spiritual Director: Valerie Sinclair. I was one of the Assistant Spiritual Directors and gave the "Prevenient Grace" talk.
2017--Women's Walk #68-- Lay Director: Glenda Peck. I was Spiritual Director. Cliff Herd was Assistant Spiritual Director. "Means of Grace" talk
2018-- Women's Walk #? Gave "Prevenient Grace" talk.
2019--Women's Walk #71-- Lay Director: Susie Gilley. I was Spiritual Director. Michael Morton was Assistant Spiritual Director. "Means of Grace" talk
2022--Women's Walk #72-- "Sanctifying Grace" (talk only, but stayed for the day)--Glenda Peck was Lay Director. Susie Gilley was Spiritual Director and Mark Davis was Assistant Spiritual Director
2024--Women's Walk #74. Lay Director: Sandy Hubbs. Spiritual Director: Ed Snow. I served as Assistant Spiritual Director. I gave the "Sanctifying Grace" talk.
Over the years, I haven't written down the information as detailed as I could have and therefore, I don't know how many times I've given the "Prodigal" talk-- at least 3 times. I haven't written down all the lay talks I've given, but I think I've given one more than I've listed above. Based on my notes, I've given all the clergy talks except "Justifying Grace", but I don't seem to have all the information for the "Obstacles to Grace" talk, so who knows. :)
All the walks, all the positions, all the serving, that isn't really the point here.
Here's the point: the Emmaus community has been a space of grace and love for me over the years since 1998. That's a long time. It has upheld me, helped me grow deeper in my faith, offered me a space of grace along the way. I have gone from laity to clergy within the community.
What I realized this past walk, through the team meetings and the walk itself, is that I am able to be the me I was created to be in the Emmaus community. What does that mean? I am someone who will continue to go deeper and deeper spiritually. I can be that person in the Emmaus community. I am also someone who enjoys fun, goofiness, wearing tons of tie-dye, and loving life. I can also be that person. It's not an either/or. I can simply be me. To my knowledge, there has been no condemnation of me over the years for divorce, getting pregnant, become a pastor as a woman, etc. I have been able to listen to God's call on my life and live into it. Now, it's not the only space of grace that has offered me this place to grow--- the Academy for Spiritual Formation, the Fellowship of Spiritual Directors and Retreat Leaders, my Spiritual Direction cohort through Columbia Theological Seminary, my camp tribe, some other life-long friends, family, etc. are among other spaces of grace that have allowed me to be me. But this post is about the Emmaus community, thus the focus on it. :)
Before going into the weekend on March 7th, I shared this:
As I prepare to go into this weekend, these words from verses 9 and 10 of Psalm 40 resonate this morning:
I tell the glad news of
Love's way
to all wo will listen.
Yes, I raise my voice,
with praise and acclamation.
I tell of Love's saving grace
within my heart,
I speak of Love's faithfulness
and healing power.
I aspire to reveal your steadfast love
and truth
through the witness of my life.
From Psalms for Praying by Nan C. Merrill, 2007
After the weekend on March 11th, I wrote this:
"I am extremely grateful to and for the Emmaus Community. I went on my walk in May 1998. Walk #25, Chattanooga/Lafayette Community. Since then I have been on numerous teams for women's walks, Chrysalis, and Crossroads. I have been able to attend Tres Días Con Dios. I have served in most every lay position possible and then became clergy. Since then, I have served on several teams going back and forth between Spiritual Director positions, tag teaming with other clergy. Who knew I needed to be reminded of the support, love, grace, and community? God. Who knew that my authentic self needed a place to be free to shine and soar? God. Thanks, Creator God, for the team preparation and for the weekend. These heart photos were taken after the walk at Camp Lookout. God's love was everywhere. I walk forward in trust, remembering I am not alone. It's all about grace. :) #SeeAHeartShareAHeart""
Here are some things I've read recently that have resonated with me.
This quote that I saw posted by Kat Garcia Hunt, who posts all kinds of thoughtful, reflective, and artistic things:
"The seed decomposes & pushes out of the casing that has held them, the caterpillar lies in their dark containment, turning into soup before they are butterfly, & spring is birthed from the decay of what has gone before.
If you want transformation to grow into your life, if alchemy, medicine & beauty not yet tasted are to unfurl, you must first let your new beginnings shed what contains, binds & hinders them, pulling you into the rot, the blackening, the decay, the sweet compost & the fertile stew of what tames your growth.
Even the smallest change of direction asks for the putrification of some old way of being.
To live & grow, is to die to something over & over."
Brigit Anna McNeill
Seed. Caterpillar. Transformation. New beginnings. Growth. Change of direction. These are not new concepts for me, yet things to ponder once again.
And this quote from a newspaper article on Methodist churches in North Georgia from Sunday March 17:
"No matter how painful the pruning might be, it is a way to make room for new life, new growth. It reminds us how God continues to work in and through us just like God works in all creation." (Bishop Dease, being quoted in the article written by Shelia Poole)
These words from Bishop Dease (Bishop in North Georgia Conference of the UMC) caught my attention and resonated with me because they were so close to what I shared in a "Sanctifying Grace" talk the week prior on the Emmaus Walk. I used similar words about pruning, new life, new growth, and God working. Reading these words in an article brought them back to me, for me.
Some of what I noted about pruning in the talk I gave about "Sanctifying Grace":
· Perfecting involves pruning. (See John 15:2) The Bible
tells us that every vine and fruit tree requires pruning, and so do we. A life
in grace is a life in process, and some of this process is painful.
· I find it encouraging that God is not finished with
me, that God’s call and God’s promise to me are ongoing, working in and through
me. The process of spiritual maturity and growth can be painful, as I mentioned
a few moments ago. A pruning process in my life has come from much prayer and
discernment as I recognized the Holy Spirit was leading me to a path of
ministry within a family leave of absence, pressing the “pause” button on pulpit/congregational
ministry. This new ministry of serving my parents and their two businesses
allows me to still fill in for pulpit supply and have opportunities for other ministries,
such as this weekend. The pruning process of perfecting us requires a “letting
go” in order to receive and allow growth. Though I may not understand all of it
in my situation, I can walk in trust of God’s call and God’s promise. I often
say that this ongoing life in grace with God is an adventurous journey.
I shared in the talk that seeing hearts in creation (and even in onion rings and other things) has become a reminder of God's loving grace and presence. I gave out hearts to everyone as a tangible reminder of God's love. I closed the talk with these words:
"As you continue your grace journey, remember that
God’s grace is never ending. May you see and experience tangible examples that
God cares about you through seeing hearts, whether in nature or an onion ring.
Maybe the heart that you got today will be a reminder that God’s grace is with
you, perfecting you, offering you new life/light/strength/heart, restoring you,
and equipping you. #SeeAHeartShareAHeart"
From going on my Emmaus Walk to serving on Emmaus teams, to reading quotes that cause me to pause and reflect, Creator God continues to show me grace, to work in me, to work through me, to prune me. This truly is an adventurous journey and I am grateful to be on it.
It is worth sharing Psalm 40, verses 9-10 again for reflection. I invite you to read in through 2-3 times, using lectio divina, sacred reading, a method by which you read slowly to see what catches your attention. The three times of reading can be noted as "Read, Reflect, Respond, Rest". If you are curious about lectio divina, check out the link below.
I tell the glad news of
Love's way
to all wo will listen.
Yes, I raise my voice,
with praise and acclamation.
I tell of Love's saving grace
within my heart,
I speak of Love's faithfulness
and healing power.
I aspire to reveal your steadfast love
and truth
through the witness of my life.
From Psalms for Praying by Nan C. Merrill, 2007
Peace,
Rev. Deb
(or as recently been named, Rev Rev Deb) :)
P.S. The photo of Jesus below is a Jesus therapy doll. I've written about him before. I was introduced to him during my Two Year Academy for Spiritual Formation. I'll share the links with blogposts with him in it below.
Jesus
twinning with heart tie-dye shirts
LINKS:
a few Jesus Doll posts:
