I am sitting on the deck this morning with Cliff and a cup of coffee, trying to wake up on a Sunday morning. It's 57 degrees Fahrenheit out here and feels great. There are birds chirping and singing. There is a slight breeze. Leaves are on the table, the deck, and the yard. The fallen leaves are beautiful, as are the ones still hanging on for a little while longer in the trees.
There is a deck being built or re-built a few doors down and they are busy at work this morning with electric tools. That takes away from the nature sounds, but I can somewhat tune them out.
There are some clouds in the sky this morning, a thin white cover over the blue background.
Every now and then I hear an acorn drop to the ground with a thud. I give thanks that I am not underneath that tree. :)
I look around me and see yellow, red, orange, brown, green and a mixture of stages in between.
As I contemplate the leaves this morning, I wonder what things in my life it's time to "drop off" or "let go". One of the quotes that were read at Bamboo Encounter yesterday was this one from Marilyn Wolf:
“When Autumn comes and the leaf starts to die, it is
trying to let go of the branch. The tree doesn’t have to push it away, tear it
off, or even nudge it. The leaf will let go and fall away when it’s time. It
knows that it no longer serves the tree as a source of light and beauty and
simply lets go.”
I found it on her blog here: "Autumn: A Time For Allowing". I encourage you to take a moment to go read the entire reading. It's short, yet powerful.
As I reflect on her quote this morning, it is good to note that the tree doesn't push the leaf away. "The leaf will let go and fall away when it's time." Wow. That bears repeating: "The leaf will let go and fall away when it's time." Is that how it works with things in our life that no longer serve as a source of light and beauty? Do they simply let go? Or do we need to do a harder work to let them go? The answer might be a both/and. I don't know. I've not really considered this "new" way of letting go before. It seems to me that tree is simply "being" a tree. It is being its true self. And in being that true self, things are happening naturally, as they should. The tree allows the process to take place.
That brings up questions for me: am I being my true self? Am I allowing things to happen naturally? Am I allowing the process to take place?
These are questions that will take time to ponder. I will hold them with wonder and curiosity.
Meanwhile, I listen to the birds chirp and sing. I observe the beauty of the leaves, fallen and on the trees.
In the time she was dying, I posted notes on Facebook. That was my journaling at the time. It was all I could do. I told myself that one day I would reflect more on the process, but I haven't.
At the time she was dying, I was also taking a bioethics class in seminary on aging and dying. We had to write our own funeral, among other papers. It was a difficult semester. Not only did we cover that topic, but we covered TBI--traumatic brain injury, which is also a topic that hits close to home and we were in the midst of some really major stuff with that too.
This year, as my memories came up of my Meemo, they caught my attention and I noted it had been 5 years. I don't think I saw every single memory from my time with her, but I captured a few of them.
I thought I would share them here. I started learning how to walk the journey with folks back when I was a lay person at Grace UMC and visited folks in the hospital. I was visiting with one church member and the chaplain came in. She told him I was her pastor. People saw way before I did where I was heading. Lucy Buckner blessed me in many ways. From that visit to my grandmother to many since, I have walked with folks who have taught me much about living well, aging well, and dying well.
I am grateful.
As I share my memories of Meemo's last days, I think about my other two grandmothers. It isn't that I wasn't close with them, but rather I wasn't with them when they passed and they passed much earlier. I didn't get as much time with either of them. Meemo (Ruth Clark DeLoach) was my maternal grandmother. Nana (Charlotte Pruden PittmanY, my paternal grandmother, passed away in 1988 And then, my step grandmother, which was not really a "step", Erlene, (Erlene Waldrop DeLoach) died in 1981.
Here are the memories that have shown up recently about Meemo, starting January 11:
January 11, 2014
Spent three hours with Meemo and Mom today in hospital. Meemo never opened her eyes but a slight slit while I was there. She did give some body language and a tiny smile. My brother Guy got her to open her eyes after I left. But it's all good. If it is time to go on, okay. I will continue to enjoy her presence. Good time with Mom too. Just being there. Presence.
January 17, 2014
Spent about 4 hours today with my grandmother and Mom and some time with Dad. My grandmother was moved two days ago from the hospital to a place right next door to where she lives. I can see her porch from her new room. She drinks thickened liquids and prefers plain water, nothing sweetened. She ate some yogurt, mashed potatoes, some pureed green vegetable, and vanilla pudding today. For someone who hasn't eaten in a while, that is a buffet! I got to meet lots of folks. The chaplain was one of them.He will be bringing his guitar next week. I should have asked what day. Meemo told me about finally being able to find her milk that she was looking for last night. Twice. Though I'm not sure where that milk was, we had a good conversation with it. And we talked about other things too. Physically, she in hanging in and on. Though she is weak and rests much. She smiled several times, especially as I reminded her of different things from the past. Precious moments. Extremely grateful.
January 21, 2014
This stuff will always remind me of sleepovers at my grandmothers' house when I was younger. Last week I shared that memory with her. Each day is another gift of a well lived life and a journey of dying well. Meemo started coughing today. I bet she could use some of this tonight.
["This stuff" and "this" refers to Vick's VapoRub and I included a picture of it in my post. I will add a picture below.]
January 22, 2014
Difficult day to describe hanging out in my grandmother's room. Two workers sang beautiful harmonized songs acapella. A huge food cart was brought to us. Not much reaction from Meemo, though if I could lip read... maybe. She is definitely near the end of this leg of the journey, yet didn't go on while I was there. It is beautiful and peaceful except for the labored breathing, for which medical folks administered helpful relief. Living into the bioethics class and conference this intimately is not what I intended. My emotions are very close to the surface and I am not wearing my masks... so you are likely to see some breakdowns if you see me... Shalom
In my comments to the post I posted on January 21, I posted this on January 22:
She (Meemo) raised her eyebrows during one time when my brother Guy and I were discussing our memories of her putting the stuff on us.
Meemo passed away on January 22nd, later that night, but after I had left. Because she donated her body to Emory University, we didn't have a burial until a year later. However, there was a memorial at her home church on January 31 at Decatur First United Methodist.
I wrote this small section between prior to finding the January 23rd notes below. I had missed one of my "memories" and went looking for it. I decided to leave what I wrote above in here. Reading below, note that I mention that I will write "one day". Here it is, 5 years later. I get it. I still had papers for a bioethics class. And, if you look at my blog, a 4 year old died later that spring. There were lots of things going on and it wasn't easy to get the stuff out, to process. I did process it all, in a sense. I allowed the brokenness that I experienced to shine the light. Yet, I didn't put it all together in one place. It isn't fully complete. Nor will it ever be. Yet, the journey process is a tad more sequential here.
January 23, 2014
My Mom called last night at 10:42pm. They had found her (Meemo) in her room, gone. We don't have the exact time, but it's okay. What I thought of is that she was finally able to go home... not to "104 Broad Street" in Statesboro that she wanted two weeks ago and at Christmas, but to her Creator. And, though in my faith tradition, I don't use the term "Beulah Land" often, that came to mind last night. Yesterday was definitely a blessing, even in the difficulty. Two weeks ago was when we gave her permission to go on home when she was in the hospital and she kept on hanging on and rallied significantly on Monday to where she was up in a wheelchair doing exercises and eating. But, that was a gift for my Mom. Yes, I'm sad and I'm having and will have my moments. However, overall, I'm relieved and glad that Meemo is no longer in pain and that she is whole again--mentally, physically, and spiritually. She was the last of my grandparents to remain. And she was a spiritual mentor. She has donated her body to Emory. More to come in a blog one day, but not right away. I have papers to write on the aged and dying for bioethics. Meanwhile, enjoy this song by the Gaither Vocal Band.
After Meemo's passing, I continued on to write those papers for the class.
January 24, 2014
Paper #2 for Bioethics on Aging Well, written! Still need to write Paper #1 on Euthanasia and dying... and my mission paper. Then, read what I can of the 2nd book and handful (stackful) of articles. HOWEVER, space of grace has been offered from profs due to my life situation, so I'm not going to overly stress. Simply feeling grateful for a night to study. BUT, NOW to take a break before I pick up the hubby from work at 9pm. I could clean house, but...
As mentioned above, the memorial service was on January 31 in Atlanta. That was an adventure due to the ice and snow, but it happened.
We buried Meemo's ashes on January 30, 2016 after getting them back from Emory.
For anyone going through the process of watching someone age and die, it isn't easy. Nor is it easy to process our memories going forward. Yet, we remember the stories and the person. We share with others. We keep our loved ones near to us by sharing.
Processing is a personal journey, whether it is processing grief or any emotion or information. Allow it to be unique to you. Go with the ebb and flow. Ride the waves. Jump through waves. Duck underneath them. Get knocked down and get back up.
It's all part of life. It's all part of the adventure.
It's good to finally be able to process my grandmother's last days, even if it is 5 years later.
Peace,
Debra
Picture of Meemo used in obituary, from 2000
Meemo as a child on left; top right: me, Meemo, Aunt Vicki, Meemo's bday, then Meemo with me
It's a process. You can look at it a number of ways. Really. But it's not the process that has had me befuddled this week.
What has been swirling around in my heart, mind, and spirit this week is a word that I couldn't put my finger on at first. But I will come back to this word later.
First, I want to share this. When I mention spiritual growth, I'm talking about the natural result/consequence/product of an intentional relationship with God. That spiritual growth might happen under the surface, in the darkness, in the hidden places as well as in the light and open places, but it will happen because of the intentional relationship. Because of grace (especially prevenient grace), there is much going on in the growth spectrum unbeknownst to any of us prior to our acknowledgement of such relationship. But that isn't my focus here today.
Words that came to mind as I was thinking about spiritual growth earlier this morning: grace, cultivate, intentional, process, grow, community, worship, next step... I was searching through a bunch of pictures from a Google search on "spiritual growth" and those words (as well as many images) resonated with my thoughts on spiritual growth.
Here are the images that captured my thoughts on spiritual growth:
First.... Are you ready to grow?
If you aren't ready...
If I'm not ready...
If we're not ready...
it's not going to happen.
By grace (again), it could happen. God works in us even when we're not paying attention, but God doesn't force.
Growth from reading/studying the Word/Scriptures.
Stages of growth.
What are my next steps on the journey? Spiritual growth is an ongoing journey. There will always be a next step. Listening, seeking, being open to next steps of growth is part of the growth journey.
I found this quote today. It's great! We do stand, fall, stand back up, take steps, fall again, walk, wobble, fall, run, fall.... but, eventually we fly! Awesome! The journey of spiritual growth (of any growth) is not easy or painless, but it is worth it. To grow emotionally, physically, spiritually, and even financially (though I'm not sure I will experience financial growth in my life), there is growth pain involved because of falling down, failures, mistakes, etc. But we learn in and through all of those experiences too... or can. I want to fly! Before I fly in my spiritual growth, I will continue to wobble like the "weebles" and I will even fall down. One day, I will fly!
In my search for images and in thinking about spiritual growth, there was one image and one word that struck me as the counterproductive one on the journey. For me, it has no place on the journey. It only delays and destroys the journey. What is that one word that struck me today? complacency.
This quote by A.W. Tozer says: "Complacency is a deadly foe of all spiritual growth."
I would agree. Complacency doesn't allow growth; it kills it.
In order to assess where you and I are on the growth process, to make sure that we aren't in a complacent place, I found a resource from LifeWay that will be helpful. It's a 12 page discipleship resource with charts to prayerfully reflect upon where you are and where you're going. Check it out. Spiritual Growth Assessment Process. I guarantee you that if you (and I) are willing to spend some intentional time on the assessment process and make plans for our next steps, there will be no complacency taking over our growth.
This past Sunday was the last day of Academy #32. After the final worship time, I had my trip home in my car ("rolling sanctuary") to process the week. Well, to start processing the week. I will be processing various aspects of the week for a long time to come, possibly a life time. I have grown and changed over these past two years.... but that is not the focus of this post. (Nor is the focus the song with the lyrics that came to mind as I wrote the title of this blogpost and added: "Riding along in my automobile". ☺
The passing of the peace was held until the end of our worship time. Though there was quite a bit of time to go around and share the peace of Christ/«la paz» with one another, I didn't come in contact with everyone in the room. But that's okay. There is that sense of peace that transcends and goes out to one another, even when you're not able to say it.... even when it's the last time officially for that particular setting.
So...the worship time closes, I get my things together, and head to the car. I spent the first 45 minutes in silence. You might say that I played my "Quaker tape of silence" for those first 45 minutes. I guess I owe Kathryn D. some money for her "tape". Kathryn, if you happen to see this, as they say, "check's in the mail". ☺
For the rest of the trip, I listened on and off to music in Spanish and English and had silence.
I found it interesting the message(s) I heard in both Spanish and English from the wide variety of songs that I heard. Normally I would include all the lyrics and a link to the song, but for this time, I'm going to only include the phrases the stood out to me. I will translate the Spanish ones into English.
Here goes:
"I will trust in You alone... where you go, I'll go...I will follow you"
"This is where the healing begins"
"He's not finished with me yet"
"When the path is daunting and every step exhausting"
"scandal of grace"
"I will live to love a world that's been broken... Power of your name... and go beyond the religion to see the world changing... to be the hands and feet"
"From where I'm standing it's hard to see... when I'm lost in the mystery... I can't wait to see how all the pieces fit"
"Bless the Lord, O my soul"
"Remind me who I am again... I belong to you"
"Here I go... sink or swim... I'm diving in, I'm going deep"
"I will walk by faith"
"If you want to steal my show... I'll sit back and watch you... my plans... my heart... take it away"
"I'm not who I used to be, I am redeemed.... I'm not who I was"
"Be still, there is a healer... you are my refuge, my strength"
"If there is a road I should walk, God help me to find it"
"Let my life be the proof of your love.... let my love look like you"
«Mi vida te entrego... un gozo nuevo... pasión... tú me apasionas» ("I give my life to you.... a new joy... passion... you give me passion") [Note: I'm using "give", but there are other ways to put both these two... keeping it simple. Example: entregar= to turn in, to turn over. «te entrego» then could be: "I turn over to you"/"I turn in to you"]
«Bendito Jesús, mi deseo eres tú... eres mi fuente de amor» ("Blessed Jesus, my desire is you, you are my fountain of love")
«Tengo una nueva dirección» ("I have a new direction")
«Dios está en control» ("God is in control")
There may have been more, but this is what I noted. The 520.6 mile trip from the Life Enrichment Center in Fruitland Park, FL to Hixson, TN took me 10 hours and 21 minutes this time. That's quite a bit of music, along with some silence.
Granted, this may not mean anything to anyone but myself. But knowing the journey I have been on these past two years... and knowing the place that music has in it... Spanish and English, I know and recognize that these songs were speaking the voice of truth into me as I drove from one "home" to another on Sunday.
The songs we sang during worship times during the week spoke to me at times and I hope to have an opportunity to reflect on that sometime in the near future too.
Several of the songs I heard on the radio and on the Spanish CD were songs I knew and were familiar with... while others were new or less known to me. I think if I were to examine the words that caught my attention and spoke to me most (audio divina?), I might recognize a thread of connection through them with one another and with my calling and journey.
What words in songs speak to you?
Blessings as you journey along and as you process and reflect upon that journey,
Now I won't deny The worst you could say about me But I'm not defined By mistakes that I've made Because God says of me
I am not who I was I am being remade I am new I am chosen and holy And I'm dearly loved I am new
Who I thought I was And who I thought I had to be I had to give them both up Cause neither were willing To ever believe
I am not who I was I am being remade I am new I am chosen and holy And I'm dearly loved I am new
Too long I have lived In the shadows of shame Believing that there Was no way I could change But the one who is making everything new Doesn't see me the way that I do He doesn't see me the way that I do
I am not who I was I am being remade I am new I am chosen and holy And I'm dearly loved I am new
I am not who I was I am being remade I am new Dead to the old man, I'm coming alive I am new
Forgiven beloved Hidden in Christ Made in the image of the Giver of Life Righteous and holy Reborn and remade Accepted and worthy, this is our new name
This is who we are now...
I have heard this song on the radio before and it has caught my attention. Today, someone shared it during sharing time and mentioned that the video is worth checking out because he takes pieces of old material, even "junk" and creates something new from it all. So, I decided to look it up. I found it on YouTube, vimeo, and Godtube. There are commercials to deal with and/or hesitation in the video on all the sites, at least today. So, take your pick and see which works best for you.
As I listen to the song, there are several things that strike me/come to mind. This is a great song about grace and the sanctification process. We are being made new. I am being made new. Like the caterpillar being transformed in the cocoon, I am being remade. It is an ongoing process. There is much dross to be burned off, many things to be worked on. As I go deeper and deeper and attempt to live as my true self, I am being made new along the way. God takes the old things, the junk in and of my life, and turns them into something beautiful that can be used for worship and praise. That's pretty amazing.
Continuing along this journey of learning, growing, loving God, and loving others.
Maybe there is something for you here in Jason Gray's song.
