This past Saturday evening I began to cough. Deep. It gave me a headache. It was as if someone pulled the bathtub drain on me and my energy was sapped away. So, I went to bed. For me, it felt like it hit me out of left field.
Sunday morning I was supposed to be on prayer chapel duty during 2nd service, but I knew I wasn't going anywhere, so I communicated that to the prayer team. I was able to tune in online during the 2nd service and watch it live through the website and pray, but I was in such a mental stupor, that I barely remember anything.
Mental stupor. Barely remember anything. That pretty much describes Sunday through Wednesday. Not only did I sleep most of the time, but in some of the deep sleep time I found myself in some pretty weird places. I did get up for medication and water.
Cough. Headache. Weak. Tired. UGH!
Meanwhile, the word for the weak in the Simply Wait Advent Study is "patience". I looked at that at some point Monday or Tuesday and chuckled. I was having to be patient with myself. Actually it wasn't so bad this time. I completely surrendered. I didn't try to be any "hero". I didn't try to do what I couldn't do. Someone stepped in and taught the class on my behalf Tuesday night (Thank you!)
I think I am learning to listen to my body and live into rest, etc. I didn't read any symptoms going into it prior though. And, that causes me to wonder if I missed something in my listening. Last week was more busy in my life than normal. I ended up giving quite a bit of time and energy more than normal and being on the go. There were quite a few family situations. Yet, it all seemed to have been worked out and good. And I had the energy at the time.
Whatever caused the "crash".... whether viral or whatever, it has been a learning time (everything can be a learning time).
I saw some quotes on Facebook that spoke to me in relation to this journey.
A quote from Parker Palmer from the Shalem Institute Facebook page on darkness: "The experience of darkness has been essential to my coming into selfhood, and telling the truth about that fact helps me stay in the light." This is one that I have been living into for several years now. This truly has been a part of me coming alive or coming into something because experiencing darkness and speaking about it has brought forth light and growth for me. I imagine it hasn't always been comfortable for others. It hasn't always been comfortable for me. But, I'm becoming more comfortable with it. That may be odd. But that's okay.
A quote from Eckhart Tolle from some encouraging source. It was embedded in a picture. I thought I had "shared" it to my own Facebook page so I could more easily find it, but I must have omitted a button or something because it didn't show up. All I can remember is that the quote spoke to me. Oh well. However, in searching for the quote, I have found wonderful other quotes on stillness and suffering. I have books to add to my reading list once again. ☺
As I picked up my Simply Wait Advent Study and started reading the Scripture for the week, the first Scripture was Isaiah 35:1-10. I'm several days behind. But, that's okay. Remember, the word is "patience" this week.
Isaiah 35:1-10 (NIV)
The desert and the parched land will be glad;
the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like the crocus, 2 it will burst into bloom;
it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.
The glory of Lebanon will be given to it,
the splendor of Carmel and Sharon;
they will see the glory of the Lord,
the splendor of our God.
3 Strengthen the feeble hands,
steady the knees that give way;
4 say to those with fearful hearts,
“Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
he will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
he will come to save you.”
steady the knees that give way;
4 say to those with fearful hearts,
“Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
he will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
he will come to save you.”
5 Then will the eyes of the blind be opened
and the ears of the deaf unstopped.
6 Then will the lame leap like a deer,
and the mute tongue shout for joy.
Water will gush forth in the wilderness
and streams in the desert.
7 The burning sand will become a pool,
the thirsty ground bubbling springs.
In the haunts where jackals once lay,
grass and reeds and papyrus will grow.
and the ears of the deaf unstopped.
6 Then will the lame leap like a deer,
and the mute tongue shout for joy.
Water will gush forth in the wilderness
and streams in the desert.
7 The burning sand will become a pool,
the thirsty ground bubbling springs.
In the haunts where jackals once lay,
grass and reeds and papyrus will grow.
8 And a highway will be there;
it will be called the Way of Holiness;
it will be for those who walk on that Way.
The unclean will not journey on it;
wicked fools will not go about on it.
9 No lion will be there,
nor any ravenous beast;
they will not be found there.
But only the redeemed will walk there,
10 and those the Lord has rescued will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away.
it will be called the Way of Holiness;
it will be for those who walk on that Way.
The unclean will not journey on it;
wicked fools will not go about on it.
9 No lion will be there,
nor any ravenous beast;
they will not be found there.
But only the redeemed will walk there,
10 and those the Lord has rescued will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away.
This passage spoke to me this morning. It spoke life to me.
I am getting my strength back. Yesterday I was able drive my daughter to school in the morning (then go back to bed). I sat in the sun room some. I took her to the dentist in the afternoon.
Today, my strength continues to grow. I still cough some, but I have energy once again. The weakness is leaving.
My husband and daughter picked up a Christmas tree on Tuesday. It is a family tradition that I missed this year. That's okay. He put the lights on. It will get decorated eventually. Decorating close to the 12 days of Christmas is my goal (day 1 doesn't start until Christmas). However, this year, the energy level may allow for beautiful lights. We'll see.
The amazing thing? There hasn't been stress. Even through all the family situations. Even through being in bed. Even through living into and through the darkness these past several days. I have been at peace. I can't explain that. Nor do I need to. Yet, as I read that passage this morning, a light bulb went off in my mind. ☺
I also woke up this morning with the thought "it's a new day dawning". Maybe because I'm coming out of my darkness, my stupor. Maybe because my friend in ICU is coming out of his. I don't know. But, the thought was there. So I pulled up Matt Redman's 10,000 Reasons so I could sing about the "new day dawning".
And, then about 1/2 an hour later, the sun began to rise. And, oh what reds, yellows, and oranges painted the sky this morning. It truly WAS a new day dawning!
For me, I new I turned a corner physically because I was able to drink coffee once again. I don't drink coffee when I'm sick.
I don't know what darkness you've been experiencing, but I want to encourage you that there is a new day dawning at the edge of the wilderness. I'll walk the journey with you.
Let's go.
Debra
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