Testing the waters. Trying and failing. Trying and succeeding. Just trying. Taking that first step. Experience.
A significant marker in my listening and waiting journey happened in the summer of 2006. I was on a mission trip in Costa Rica. We were staying at El Bambú in Puerto Viejo del Sarapiquí. I had been feeling unsettled and unrest for a while and didn't know what it was. One night, it struck me that I felt like I was being called to go deeper in my spiritual journey, in my relationship with God. That was it. There wasn't any "how to", "when", or "where" associated with this feeling. As I shared this with my spouse, his response was: "Go with the flow."
We came home from the trip, I started back teaching at the local university, everything seemed "normal". At some point, my elementary-school-aged daughter asked me to be more available to her. Though I didn't fully understand, I felt led to "retire" from my teaching position effective at the end of the school year.
I also felt the doors open to explore and I looked into taking classes online through a seminary in KY. I thought I would test the waters and see if those classes might clarify something, anything to me. After receving a Certificate in Christian Studies from Asbury Theological Seminary, I would say that those courses (through my professors, my fellow students, the books read, and the assignments) have helped grow in my journey. They also helped me to discern three areas of passion: discipleship, spiritual formation, and leadership. Additionally, during that time I was able to come to peace with the fact that I don't have to be in a classroom to be a teacher. I am a teacher. It comes out naturally, whether I want it to or not.
Another option I had considered was pursuing an EDD in Educational Leadership at one of the institutions where I had worked and taken a few courses. I applied. I took the GRE again after having taken it 20 years ago. I did well in my strength area, verbal. I did not do well in the analytical area since I hadn't really used those skills since college. I didn't make it to the interviews. Though disappointed, I finally came to realize I was already accepted into a graduate program and I should just finish it.
There have been many times of listening and waiting. I'm not always aware of them. Meaning I don't always listen well nor do I wait well. I struggle sometimes to find meaning when I've listened, waited, responded, obeyed.... and then SLAM! the door has closed without satisfactory explanation. What I'm learning is that I don't always have to have the answers. sigh. Someone smarter and more knowledgeable than me has things under control. Things may not turn out the way I wanted them or thought they would, but things will turn out.
Recently, I read Sue Monk Kidd's book: When the Heart Waits: Spiritual Direction for Life's Questions. This book helped me to verbalize the waiting period and to better understand it. A caterpillar cannot grow if it doesn't spend time in the chrysalis. It is part of the process. And, once it is ready to emerge, the butterfly must struggle in order for its wings to sufficiently strengthen to prepare to fly.
Process. Struggle. Now, who said these would be part of the journey, the adventure? The better question might be: who didn't say these would be part of the journey? Because, they are. In order to fly like the butterfly, we do have to go through the dark times of waiting and then the times of struggle. However, to fly like the butterfly it is worth it. At least to me.
One last listening and waiting example. I had some opportunities this summer for intentional listening. I went to two gatherings back to back. While at each, I listened intentionally and intently to what God might be telling me through the speakers, the songs, other people, etc. I had a breakthrough on my last night at the second gathering and was able to get at least a glimpse of what I've been trying to see. What I realized is that I want to be a guide for others on their journey. What I wrote in my journal is this: "I picture a guide leading a hike through the wilderness. That guide is me." I think I've been doing this in many senses already. But, what I'm feeling is that now it's time to do it more intentionally. Some might argue that I'm fairly intentional about it now. :)
One thing I'm going to do to spend some more time listening and to test the waters is to attend a 5-day academy sponsored by the Upper Room in October. It felt like the next step. It will be an awesome experience. I don't know where it will lead. I don't have to. I'm just looking forward to the opportunity.
A word of caution on listening: listening doesn't always happen in a vacuum. It often helps to have folks around you to help you filter out what you hear. Just as we don't always see our strengths and weaknesses and others do, others help us discern in the listening process.
Thank you to my "hiking buddies" that are on this journey with me!
~Debra
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