I haven't spoken about it since my very first post when I defined "alien". But I've been thinking about how to get back to the topic, how to talk about it, what to say about it.
At Camp Garner Creek, I found portions of my deeper self. Now, truly, that has left me with more questions than answers. Actually, throughout my journey and even through the journey of blogging I have found portions of my deeper self. Yet, at Camp Garner Creek I found something that validated my alien feeling.
One afternoon while walking among the rocks of the creek bed during a silence time, I saw it. A white rock turned up on its side, slightly embedded in the other rocks, poking upward and outward. Its shape reminded me of a spaceship! So, I sat down and picked up the rock and looked it over. It's smooth shape on the top and roundedness reminded me of the fossils we studied in paleontology class prior to our fossil dig at an old quarry. [Yes, I studied geology, sedimentology, and paleontology in undergraduate school. It was my minor until that paleo class. I didn't do so well with fossils and switched my minor to International Studies.] Anyway, I spent some time thinking back to the college days of paleo class and trying to remember what I had learned. But what really struck me most about this rock was that it truly did make me think of a space ship.
You may or may not see it. Unfortunately, I didn't take a picture of it as it caught my eye, stuck in the rubble of the rocks with its end sticking up. But, maybe you will see it. If not, see it for what it is, a rock, a fossil.
Why the term "alien"? Because I do feel different. I have always felt different. Now, that shouldn't be surprising. We are all different. We are unique. There is no other me, no other you. We have each been created with our own personalities, gifts, talents, etc. We may favor folks in our families, but we ourselves are an individual package. There is no one else like us.
Sometimes we lose who we are in the world and need help refinding the real us. There are many resources available to help one do that. I've mentioned using folks on the journey with us to help us reflect and mirror. That is one way.
A couple of books that have helped me are: Let Your Life Speak by Parker Palmer and Cure for the Common Life: Living in Your Sweet Spot by Max Lucado.
Another book I started over 4 years ago and haven't finished is Live Your Calling by Kevin and Kay Brennfleck. [It's an ongoing process for me.] There are still many more resources that have helped me-- books on leadership, creating a ministry and life timeline, etc.
Knowing who I am and knowing what I am created to be, however, has not taken away the "alien" feeling. It is still here. In fact, there are days and times that the "alienness" is stronger. I admit that I don't fully understand it. I am attempting to learn who I am and to live faithfully into that. Part of what I know is that I am child-like, simple. That's how I see it. My "mirrors" can reflect back to me. Now, before I get hit too hard, I know that I can also be "child-ISH". Can't we all?!?! But, I'm trying to outgrow my childish ways as I mature. Child-likeness is different. We are all called to be child-like. Kingdom dwellers will be childlike. We are children of God!
So, what's a child-like, language speaking, retired educator, certificate-trained seminarian, geared toward leadership, slightly (okay, not so slightly) out-of-the-box person to be, to do? Maybe this is where I still feel "alien".... I am not finding where I "fit". I have a sneaky suspicion that even when I find my spot, the alien feeling won't go away. And that's okay. There's a good thing about some discomfort in our lives. It works in us, it teaches us, it helps change us.
Journeying onward,
~Debra
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