Holy Hope, Batman!

Today has been a day in which I have needed to regain hope.  Have you ever been there?  The opposite of hope is despair.  We can find ourselves "there" for any number of reasons.  It isn't wrong or bad to be there.  It's just not a place we want to hang out for a long period of time.  My philosophy is that I will attempt to learn from being there and then get out! ☺

So, what sent me to despair today?  Ultimately, me.  One of my weakness areas showed up today and wrestled me to the ground.  It was unavoidable.  I had my mid-term in my John Wesley theology course today.  We covered 35 sermons, one book, and several chapters out of two other books.  In addition, I read the 45 page class notes the professor had posted in hopes that it would help me.  That's quite a bit of reading.  There was quite a bit to know.  And, going into this test, I knew that I don't do well in situations like this.  If I don't have a target to focus upon, to study, to practice, etc., then I generally don't do well.  My brain doesn't do well on tests that cover loads of information.  My learning style is such that I can apply what I learn and can practice information over and over to get it back out of my head, if I have some type of guidelines. 

The test had two essays.  No 2 out of 3, simply 2.  So, my brain had no choice but to go through all the information I had read and attempted to study and try to come up with a well-written answer.  I can tell you that I did not do well in this attempt.  For me, it's like a shot gun approach or pulling information out of a black hole.  What it will tell you, as I could have already told you is this:  I am not an intellectual.  I work hard to learn whatever I learn.  I don't have a "high" vocabulary.  I don't do well on standardized tests (SAT, GRE). 

Even knowing what I was up against, it still broke me when I opened the test.  I knew I was doomed the moment I started reading the questions.  And that was a difficult place to be.  I'm not a dumb person; I'm just not someone who can read tons of information and recall it.  I would like to say it's an age thing, but I really haven't ever been able to do that.  You can look back at history and literature classes from high school to college.... even music class in college (uh, maybe I'll share that story one day).  I don't do well in learning/testing situations like this.  I do my best to find ways around it or through it, but sometimes there simply isn't a way.

So, what do you do when you're not an intellectual and you're in a situation that requires it?!?!  Well, today, the thought crossed my mind: GIVE UP!  QUIT!  But, I quickly shooed that away.  I did make it through one Master's program (when I was younger) and I am almost 2/3 done with this one.  So, giving up and quitting are not really options.  So, what did I do?  The best I could.  I attempted to answer the questions to the best of my ability, remembering whatever came into my mind. 

What gives me hope?  The fact that it is okay to be weak in this area of learning and testing.  God uses our weaknesses.  It may not feel good, but I will survive.  I need to be aware of my weaknesses so that in life and in ministry I will have others around me that are strong in those areas.  My weak areas, when forced to be used, will simply reveal a very vulnerable me. ☺ 

I have felt despair when I was tired of being tired and/or tired of the pain from kidney stones, frozen shoulder, etc.  Yet, those can and have been stepping stones instead of stumbling blocks too.  I have been able to learn and grow from those situations.  Living into who we are and where we are in life isn't always easy.  Yet, for me, I need to remember that WHO I am is a child of God and WHOSE I am is the same.  So, even in my weaknesses-- mental, physical, spiritual, emotional--God has me.  This is what gives me hope.

My circumstances won't always be pleasant or easy or within my control.  But, I am not called to keep my eyes on my circumstances.  In fact, I was gently reminded today that this is what I am called to:

"I AM CALLING YOU to a life of constant communion with Me.  Basic training includes learning to live above your circumstances, even while interacting on that cluttered plane of life.  You yearn for a simplified lifestyle, so that your communication with Me can be uninterrupted.  But I challenge you to relinquish the fantasy of an uncluttered world.  Accept each day just as it comes, and find Me in the midst of it all."  (paragraph 1, Jesus Calling, April 1)

My day was cluttered emotionally.... and well, there is still quite a bit to be done before I head off to Academy #32-- session #8 (more about this later). 

The important thing for me today is that I have been reminded that communion with my Creator is what I am called to and that life's circumstances have a way of sending me right where I need to be.  Though I may wish I had a different type of brain that could do well on tests like those today, I am learning to be satisfied with how my brain is made.  It's okay to be simple, to apply learning in a way that allows me to speak languages, to meet people where they are when I teach, etc.  I don't need to be able to remember everything I read and learn in order to live out the calling God has placed on me.   What I need to do is live into my relationship with God and then live out that relationship with others.

May you live into the hope of Christ in you,

~Debra