Last year my husband and I switched roles. I dressed as him, a pharmacist, wearing one of his pharmacy ties and making some fake pill-bottles with sweet tart pills. The bottles were labeled: "RX Sweettarts. Take two as needed." My husband wore my taekwondo uniform. I was a red belt at the time. It was proper as he had been a red belt (or almost a red belt) at one time, many moons ago.
But, what about in our everyday life? Do we wear costumes or masks? If so, what are they and why are we wearing them?
I was faculty advisor on a mission trip to Italy during Spring Break in 1999. One of my roles on the trip was to be part of the drama team for one of the YWAM skits we did. It was "King of Hearts" and I was the third person in the line up, the strong person, not scared of anyone or anything. The skit called for air punches and a jump kick, and this was before my taekwondo days. From the description for the skit: "Four lost and wounded characters hide their inner hurts behind various masks. Jesus Christ meets with each individual and shows him or her that only He can heal their brokenness and give them each a new heart." http://www.worldchristian.com/searchproducts.php?product_type_id=4
Doing this skit was powerful for me. For one, that was something I had struggled with for many years. Wearing masks to cover lost and woundedness. And I didn't even know it for a long time. As I learned and became aware of it, I grew into allowing Christ to heal my brokenness. Yet, even so, I would still wear masks. Christians weren't supposed to hurt or be broken, so I would hide that even among Christians at times. Then, there came a time in my life when I quit hiding that too. Mostly. I still hide. I realized that as I was reflecting today. I was hiding while in Italy. I was struggling internally with some major conflicts during that time in my life. And I kept hiding some of those things for a long time, even after it was obvious. Until the moment I was strong enough to share some of those things with those from whom I had hidden it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1ncuXrnFxA&feature=related (One version of the YWAM "King of Hearts" skit)
I am growing. Several years ago I made myself go to church one morning even though I didn't feel like it due to the circumstances going on in my personal life. I really didn't want to have to be around people and pretend that the moment was good. But, I went. And, in the parking lot, I was met by a friend who asked how I was doing. I had a decision to make: put on the mask or leave it off? I risked leaving it off. She understood. I knew I needed time in the Word and in the Prayer Garden before service, so I skipped Sunday School and opted to listen and speak to God. I wasn't prepared to meet lots of people. I had to be careful that the non-mask of reality wasn't too full of anger and pain. Since hurt people hurt people, I didn't want to hurt others, but rather enter into a place of healing in which I could heal from where I was. Healing meant leaving off the mask, but making sure that my pain didn't cause other pain, though sometimes that happens unawares.
There are good moments and not so good moments of living without the mask. Is it easier to hide or to live in that vulnerability? Neither is easy. Both are susceptible to pain. However, I find that the pain that leads to growth is a much better pain for me to endure.
Learning to be who I am, who I am created to be is a journey. As it is for all of us. Does this costume fit? Nope. This one? No. It's almost like Goldilocks attempting to find the perfect chair, porridge, and bed. It takes her a while to find one that fits her. But even then, it wasn't made for her, it wasn't truly "her". To find what fits means I spend time listening to my Creator. Only my Creator knows me best. Listening, watching, seeking, observing... in these I get a glimpse (occasionally) of who I am. There are some things I know for sure. I am a teacher. I would have argued that one with you for years. But, looking back and seeing God's guiding hand on my life through all the experiences and opportunities, I saw it finally as I was retiring. I finally understood that no matter what context I am in, I am a teacher... it is part of who I was created to be. From the days I played the game "Go to the Head of the Class" to the days I "taught" my brother in the old-timey desks we had in our garage to the days of camp counselor teaching archery, sports, and project adventure to the days of teaching ESL, Spanish, French, etc. I have been "teaching" in one context or another since I was a kid. It took me years to see it, though professors in college saw it in me and encouraged me in that way.
Little by little, as my life unfolds, as I am open to listening and hearing God, I see more of who I am and who I was created to be. Some of it I can accept and live into. Some of it scares me frankly. Some of it makes me want to pretend I didn't hear and put on a blank mask so that maybe, if I pretend it's not there, others won't know. And, it's not even bad things. It can be good things. Things that show growth in my faith journey. Yet I don't want others to see that either. I'm insecure and afraid that if others see those parts of me, then I will be rejected.
I have been rejected for my faith before. I would imagine we all have at one point or another. I was rejected after 12 years of marriage by my first husband because of my faith. That was 1/2 of the equation that he cited for our divorce. There have been some other situations too. Being rejected for who we are is not easy. So, it has caused some shell-shock resistance and reaction in my life.
From another situation with a friend quite a few years ago, I have worked through acceptance and living into who I am, regardless of the rejection. Yet, at each new layer of "me" that is unfolded and revealed to me, I hesitate as to whether or not I truly want to live into being that person that God created me to be. What if others reject me? Yet, if I reject the me that God created me to be, then I am rejecting God. So, for whom am I living this life that God gave me? The easy answer to say would be: God, my audience of One. But that's just not always the case.
So, there are days when I still wear masks and costumes. But, I am trying to get back to the day in the garden of being naked and unashamed.
What masks are you wearing?
~Debra
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