So, I tried to skip church yesterday. That's right. And, I admit it. It's okay. I've already confessed to my associate pastor. She knows. I wasn't going to totally miss it. I planned to watch it on the screen, LIVE! The watching was good, but my lip reading wasn't so good and the sound wasn't working. So, I showered and headed in for the 2nd service. [By the way, it's okay to skip church.... to get out and be church... but that wasn't what I was doing yesterday.]
I got to see some folks I wouldn't have if I didn't go in..... I got to see the end of the 1st service on the screen in the Narthex. I got to see my husband at the altar with our daughter next to him... and others around too. That was powerful. I got to see folks in the hallway and in Sunday School.
I got to see folks in the 2nd service, one of those a visitor with whom I worked a recent Emmaus weekend.
You might be wondering why I was trying to skip out of community and simply watch via the internet. So, I'll let you know.... I really wasn't in the mood to be around people yesterday. There are days like that, you know. Even for extroverts. ☺ And when this extrovert isn't getting enough silence and solitude, it becomes even harder to be among others. Add to it the fact that I don't wear much of a mask anymore and it's not always fun or easy to be around others.... if you're going to live an authentic life, that includes being authentic about the struggles. And, sometimes I'd rather not be so authentic about that.
Before I went to church, I did send out notice to some long time sisters in Christ to let them know that I was struggling and on edge these days. Honestly, I can't put my finger 100% on it. But, I have been standing in the gap for others.... and there is need to stand in the gap in my own life. Plus, heading into another session of the Academy means that I'm about to be shaken up even more (because I'm not praying for marination time again!!). Between the physical, emotional, and spiritual things of life, I can sense the need for someone to be holding up my arms for extra strength. And, sense I call to accountability others to reach out, I reached out.
Today, I got a message from a recent new friend/author who asked "How can we pray for you?" What timing?!?! That was pretty cool! I didn't mention my spiritual funk from yesterday or my attempt to skip church. He can read about that here. ☺ What I mentioned was the upcoming Academy week.... for me... and for my family back home as they have time together. Then another trip later in the summer, a mission trip to Costa Rica.
There is reason for there to be spiritual edginess in my life. ☺
This morning I read a quote by Brennan Manning in A Guide To Prayer for All Who Seek God. It is from Manning's Reflection for Ragamuffins, but I found it on pages 278-279 of the Guide. Manning writes: "What the world longs for from the Christian religion is the witness of men and women daring enough to be different, humble enough to make mistakes, wild enough to be burned in the fire of love, real enough to make others see how unreal they are. Jesus, son of the living God, anoint us with fire this day. Let your Word not shine in our hearts, but let it burn. Let there be no division, compromise, or holding back. [...]"
That quote grabbed me this morning...... that's how I want to live, that's how I hope I'm living. I recognize that I'm not 100% successful 100% of the time, but I do hope and pray that the percentage is more now than it was 5, 10, 15, 20 years ago. I hope to be that person that dares "to be different, humble enough to make mistakes, wild enough to be burned in the fire of love, real enough to make others see how unreal they are."
Even with that being my heart's desire, there are days in which I would rather hide out in my "cave", so to speak. But, thankfully technology doesn't always work and yesterday I was forced to get out. I was also honest enough to reach out. Whew!
How about you? What is going on in your journey? Where is it taking you?
Blessings as you continue to learn and grow..... and live it out in community.
~Debra
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